I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
