call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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