"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
