God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
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No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
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Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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