last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
