Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
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What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
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I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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