im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My liver just had a heart attack.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
