fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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