you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
