Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.