Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
