U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.