the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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