What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
