I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
