saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
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