my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Randomize
