i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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