The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
