Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
