I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
