They should really pass out barf bags in church
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
