my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
babies were throwing up all over the place
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
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I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
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Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
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