god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
They should really pass out barf bags in church
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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