When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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