Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
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