Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
