do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
