the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
