just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
