y did u give ur computer a hand job?
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
