Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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