plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
