Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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