my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
