3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
