I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
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if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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