the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Randomize
