I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
