It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
