can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
