Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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