I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
