So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
