He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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