I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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