its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
