We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
