I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
