Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
