yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
