I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
