Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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