take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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