I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We had to coat check the pizza.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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