i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
the liver wants what the liver wants
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
