is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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